Should Tiger Feel Bad?

No, of course not, and here’s why. Tiger Woods is a very wealthy celebrity, and not a bad looking fellow. He’s like a rock star, and we all know what rock stars are like. Literally thousands of women probably throw themselves at him every single day of his life. He’s on the road a lot at tournaments. Of course the man gets lonely. No matter how devoted he is to his family, eventually he’s going to meet someone who totally turns him on. In a moment of weakness, he’s bound to give in to tempation, and once you’ve done it once, it gets easier and easy to descend into complete and total debauchery.

We asked Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, Professor Emeritus in Anthropology at Miskatonic University why so many high profile men get caught raiding the chicken coop, even though because they are celebrities, it’s much more difficult to keep their infidelities secret, and getting caught could destroy their family and their reputation, and cost them millions of dollars.

“Men must have sex with as many women as possible. We have been hardwired to do so for millions of years. Ugly, poor men want to have sex with more women, but they can’t because very few women find losers attractive. Through the millenia, powerful, genetically superior men have been successful with the ladies, and have sired many children, thus passing their superior genes on to their offspring and helping to ensure the survival of the species. The situation is exactly the same today. Successful, powerful, wealthy men are almost irrisistible to women who are driven by instinct to mate with them. The ugliest man on earth, even if he has oozing, festering sores all over his legs and back and a tiny penis, will score regularly with beautiful women as long as he is rich.

“We have been called the “Naked Ape,” and indeed, that is exactly what we are – animals, still driven by instinct. As a University Professor, I’ve had affairs with literally hundreds of long legged young co-eds. Being in a position of authority, with the power to make or break a grade point average with the stroke of the pen, I am irresistible. When I was younger and more naive, I resisted temptation for several months, but then I realized that I was denying my human nature. That being successful and intelligent – the alpha male in fact, it was my responsibility to spread my seed as widely as possible. That has been my mantra for the last 30 years. So really, Tiger did what any successful, wealthy man should do. We should all take a page from Shannon Tweed, and model our relationships on Gene Simmon’s and her marriage.”

Why is Season 3 of The Tudors so Gay?

The Wicked Scholars thought the first two seasons of The Tudors were pretty entertaining. Lots of nudity, violence, and people being burned alive. For those who aren’t into historical drama, or who weren’t paying attention in History class, King Henry VIII was born into the House of Tudor and become King of England in 1509 at the age of 17. Henry is one of the most famous of the English monarchs, and he was also a real asshole, who got obesely fat and hideous as he got older. The Tudors is the dramatized account of his life, loves, and reign. Henry is perhaps best known for his six wives, two of whom had their heads chopped off.

Season Two saw Henry destroying the Catholic Church in England, having lots of sex with Anne Boleyn, played scrumptuously by Natalie Dormer, and finally, tiring of Anne Boleyn and having her beheaded.

It was with great anticipation that the Scholars awaited the start of Season Three. Unfortunately, three or four episodes in, we all think the series has gone to shite. What’s most annoying is the introduction of new characters, most notably Sir Francis Bryan, a eye patch wearing dufus who reminds us of the cat in Shrek. The character, played annoyingly by Allan Van Sprang, is completely out of place, as are several of the female characters. The series is starting to look like Melrose place meets Medieval Town.

Not that we are overly bothered by it, but we are inclined to think that most of the female leads in the series are too hot, and too skanky to be realistic. In an era when syphlilis and other sexually transmitted diseases were widespread, and there was virtually no birth control, it seems highly unlikely that upper class maidens would be banging casual acquaintances behind curtains in a ballroom, mere steps away from their husband, who is likely wearing a sword.

It also seems as though the production budget has been slashed drastically. For example, Charles Brandon, the Duke of Suffolk, is shown suppressing the revolt in the north with about 20 men, and executing hundreds of people. In reality, at the end of Pilgrimage of Grace, which saw thousands of northerners rebel against the destruction of the monasteries and churches in the north of England in 1536, only 270 of the leaders were executed.

It seems like historical accuracy is being replaced with Desperate Housewives style drama, intrigue, and bad writing. We couldn’t even bear to watch this week’s episode, in which Henry, distraught over the death of his one true love, Jane Seymore, waxes philosophical with an imaginary, overacting old guy.

So, if you want to save the series, get rid of the guy with the eye patch, show us way more nudity and people being burned alive, and try to bring back a modicum of historical accuracy.

Is the Dalai Lama Relevant?

Not really. But first, some background. The Dalai Lama was born a long time ago, in a land far, far away. At the age of 2 he was selected as the reincarnation of Buddha. At the age of 15, he was appointed political head of state and government in Tibet. Until 1950, Tibet was a feudal serfdom run by the monks, monasteries, and feudal warlords. In fact, Tibet was not unlike Europe, circa 1350. Young boys were routinely taken from their families and put in monasteries where they were indentured for life and often endured terrible sexual abuse. Tibetan monks were not like California monks, making goat cheese, wine, and roasting coffee. They were nasty armed thugs who did, and took, whatever they wanted. Along came the Chinese who broke the hold of the monasteries and the feudal warlords and improved the life of average Tibetans immeasurably. A 19 year old Dalai Lama tried to negotiate with the Chinese, but they told him to “bugger off kid.” Being the head monk, the Dalai Lama and his entourage went into exile in India and have remained there to this day. Naturally, the monks and the Dalai Lama were pretty pissed. They had it made in Tibet, their personal mountain Shangri La.

Unfortunately, the Chinese haven’t always been the best at PR, so they’ve been painted by the Western Press and the Free Tibet movement as nothing more than evildoers, who are oppressing the Tibetan people, even though the average Tibetan probably admits that their life today is way better than that of their parents. The Dalai Lama, and Tibetan Monks in general, have become masters of the spin. While still a university student, Cliff Danger spent good money seeing Tibetan Monks in concert, chanting and playing some big alpenhorns. “It was kind of interesting for about 5 seconds. Then, it just go annoying. I still can’t believe I spent quite a bit of money I didn’t really have, and a couple of hours pretending that I was enjoying myself. But hey, it was the cool thing to do back then. Everyone wanted to see a real live Tibetan monk. After 2 hours, everyone woke up, jumped up, gave them a standing ovation, and started kissing each other on the ass, gushing about how devout the monks were, and how wonderful it was that these simple, pious men would devote themselves to the monastic life, living in total peace and harmony, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could be more like them.”

It’s become very trendy to be Buddist, to see the Dalai Lama in person, and give him lots of money. University students and politicians love to go to one of his personal appearances, and put Free Tibet bumper stickers on their cars. Not very many of them really know anything about the history of Tibet or why it was annexed by China, nor about the day to day life of your average Tibetan. Now in his 70’s, the Dalai Lama is a very wealthy, grandfatherly, charismatic fellow who people flock to see wherever he goes. Next to the President of the United States and the Pope, the Dalai Lama is probably the most recognizable leader in the world. He’s become the symbol of the Free Tibet Movement, when really, most people in Tibet probably don’t want to be free.

Does he really have anything profound to say? Not really. To quote a recent speech “you must find inner peace. There cannot be outer peace unless you find inner peace.” Okay, I’ll try to remember that on my 2 hour commute to work. So really, is the Dalai Lama relevant? Is Ellen Degeneres relevant? He’s a fixture who doesn’t really do any harm, but his fame, influence, and prestige far exceed his real accomplishments.

Is Everyone Racist?

Yes they are, and for an explanation of why, we turn to Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, Professor Emeritus in Anthropology at Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. “Human beings are territorial animals. In fact, perhaps we should stop using the word racist, and replace it with the word territorial.”

“All animals are territorial, some more than others. Troops of chimps or baboons, and prides of lions will fiercely defend their territories against outsiders. Even normally docile vegetarian animals, will at certain times become very aggressive in defending their territory and access to females.”

“Humans, of course, are extremely territorial, hence our history of constant warfare. Through history, even the most peaceful hunter and gathering groups took whatever steps they could to defend their territory, and protect their access to resources such as food and water supplies.”

“Even though we are intelligent and cover our savagery under a thin veneer of clothing and culture, we still all carry the territorial instinct. We are wary of outsiders, especially when they arrive in droves, and are visibly different than us. For the most part, we co-exist peacefully, until we begin to feel that we are a minority, or that newcomers threaten our safety or quality of life. Then resentment begins to percolate just below the surface. We begin to feel that everything we have worked hard for, and our territory is being taken over by outsiders. Under the right circumstances, even the most liberal, grandmotherly, card carrying member of Amnesty International may be heard to mutter a racist epithet under their breath. Fortunately, being thinking animals, most of us are able to keep our territorial instincts in check, and suppress our natural urges. Still, no matter how deeply we bury and suppress them, everyone has racist, or should I say, territorial tendencies.”

Why you Shouldn’t Let Your Wife or Girlfriend go to Yoga Classes

In the photo above, printed without permission from Failblog.org, a yoga instructor identified as Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, touches the crotch of women in a yoga class. A poster on Failblog.org tried to justify Mr. Jois’s actions by saying that he “is an extremely skilled yogacharya, thus, people let him touch them in extra special, awkward ways. It’s “professional touch,” taken in the spirit in which it’s administered (not at all sexual or weird).” Uh huh.

We asked another yogacharya, Mr. Lusty Ramerdeep, if it was necessary to touch a woman’s genitals during a yoga session. He said “absolutely! It’s important to prevent the woman’s chakara (life force) from seeping out though her vagina. It’s even more effective if the woman is naked and lovely. I have private classes where the women are all nude and between the ages of 17 and 23. Even more effective than using the finger to prevent the escape of the chakara is to use my penis, which was created by Siva for just this very purpose. I don’t do it for my own pleasure, you understand. It is completely for the well being of my students.”

Right. These guy are obviously scumbags who use their position to cop a feel from women who are probably afraid to say anything, thus looking like noobies who are too ignorant to know that it’s normal for creepy old men to touch their snapper in a yoga class, when they should really jump up and gouge his eyes out. The Wicked Scholars are experts on Eastern Philosophy and are quite amused by the way it is often used as an avenue for taking advantage of people – whether it be yoga, transcendental meditation, yogic flying etc.

The Wicked Scholars are unanimous in their agreement that yoga is one of dumber fads to come out of sub-continent, and is one of the gayest things that a man can do. However, having said that, we are all considering becoming “certified” instructors ourselves, and may even invent our own style of yoga called Dikram, if it will allow us to grab a quick feel from some yoga hotties! Just remember gentlemen, that this is the sort of thing that goes on in yoga class. So, if your wife starts gushing about Dave, her yoga instructor, she might really be. . . gushing.

The Greatest Rock Bands of All Time

Recently, while listening to Sandinista by the Clash, I started thinking about what was the best rock band in history. Of course, this is highly subjective, and if you ask 10 people who they think was the best band ever, you will likely get almost as many different answers, although I suspect that at least 2 of the 10 people would say that The Beatles were the greatest ever.

I had my own opinion, but I decided to a little search on the Internet to find out what other people think. The first search result was an article written by Eric Olson on MSNBC called “The 10 Best Rock Bands Ever.” Not surprisingly, the Beatles top his list, but some of the other choices were very surprising and definitely not bands that I would consider for my list of the 10 top bands of all time.

Of course, compiling a list like this is highly subjective, and the references to specific songs illustrate just how subjective music is. What some critics or historians consider to be absolutely amazing, generation defining songs are shite to me. Bands that some writers put in their top 10 list mean absolutely nothing to me. For the sake of discussion, let’s examine Eric Olsen’s list:

1. The Beatles – the best and most important band of all time. The Beatles likely appear on everyone’s top 10 list. The only people who wouldn’t rate The Beatles as one of the 10 greatest rock bands of all time are very stupid, and possibly retarded.

2. The Rolling Stones – I’ve never been a big fan of the Stones. There’s no doubt that they are legends, and have written and recorded some amazing songs. However, I suspect that a lot of their popularity and longevity comes from showmanship rather than musical genius. Even though Jagger can’t sing, and Keith Richards, anytime I’ve seen them live, sounds like he can’t even play the guitar, I’d have to agree that they are one of the 10 greatest rock bands.

3. U2 – not even in the ballpark. They are a good band, but definitely not one of the greatest. All of their songs sound the same. When they were young, they were a bunch of nerds. Then they got makeovers and became hipster dufuses. Now they’re too into image and trying to look cool.

4. The Grateful Dead – C’mon, does anyone under the age of 55 even know who these guys are? Yeah, they were good. Their later stuff that they did when they were senior citizens is actually better than the stuff they did in the 60’s.

5. Velvet Underground – What? They were kind of different, but one of the greatest? No way. There are tons of other bands that shone brightly for a few years, and then fizzled out that were better and more influential.

6. Led Zeppelin – Hmmm, tough one. They did some good tunes. They lived life to rock star excess, but one of the top 10 bands ever. Yeah, I’ll give him that one.

7. Ramones – Absolutely! They pretty much started punk rock, and a lot of the great British punk bands got their start after seeing the Ramones. The Ramones showed that you didn’t even know how to play instruments to be able to create simple, timeless, infectious rock and roll.

8. Pink Floyd – virtuoso musicianship. Not sure about this choice though.

9. Bob Marley and the Wailers – are you on crack? Bob Marley introduced a lot of people outside of the Caribbean to reggae, but other than a few good songs, he was nothing special. There are lots of much better, but far less known ska and reggae artists out there.

10. Sly and the Family Stone – say what? Okay, now I really think this guy is on crack.

Here then, is the Wicked Scholar list of the top rock bands of all time.

1. The Beatles – nuff said. The best ever, and if you don’t think so, you’re a retard.

2. The Clash – what they lacked in musical skill and singing ability, they more than made up for with songwriting and passion. The Beatles of their generation. Started simple and explored new styles and more complex composition as they matured musically.

3. The Ramones – basically invented punk rock. Whereas bands like the Sex Pistols blazed brilliantly for one album, the Ramones went on, and on, and on, turning out brilliant 3 chord rock and roll for two decades.

4. The Who – How can any top ten list not include The Who. The songs, the excesses, the personalities, the noise – The Who were incredible.

5. The Rolling Stones – the original bad boys of rock, the anti-Beatles. Unlike a lot of bands, they’ve been able to get along and work together for decades. Haven’t really done anything new lately, but at their peak, they wrote some amazing music.

6. Rush – how many studio albums is it now, 300? The most amazing, underrated band in the world, since 1968.

7. Led Zeppelin

8. Queen – Amazing band, fantastic classical and baroque flavoured rock and roll. Freddy Mercury had one of the best voices in rock.

9. Pink Floyd

10. Can’t decide. Keep checking back.

Most overrated bands of all time:

1. Nickelback – they suck, pure and simple. Every song sounds exactly the same as the last one. It’s amazing how many albums they sell, and how much money these bozos make. Must make real, struggling musicians sick.

2. Nirvana – rehashed punk. Cobain elevated being a whiny little beeotch to new heights.

3. Oasis – a few good songs, but the drama, fighting, and arrogance probably has a lot to do with their fame, or should we say, infamy.

4. The Doors – couple of good songs, but the rest were drug addled shite. If Jim Morrison had been ugly, they wouldn’t have been as popular as they were.

5. Pearl Jam

6. Dave Matthews Band

7. U2

8. Kiss – saw them on another top 10 list. Did a couple of decent albums. Were a cool novelty for awhile. Then they took their makeup off and it was just gross.

Lesbian U.S. Deserter Claims Refugee Status in Canada

Bethany Smith, an American soldier and lesbian who deserted and fled to Canada, is appealing for refugee status, claiming she was descriminated against and threatened for her sexual orientation. Well duh, how do you expect you will be treated in the military? Why is it that homosexuals join the Army, and then cry when people find out they are gay and make fun of them? The Army is macho, and like female hockey players, a lot of female soldiers are probably dikes. However, it’s naive to think that when a gay is outed in the military, there won’t be some sort of harassment or ridicule. If a homosexual wants to live and work in a more tolerant environment, they should look for a career in the arts.

There is no way that the Government of Canada should waste even one second considering the refugee claims of someone like Smith, who joined the military voluntarily. They should be deported immediately, and once they have sorted out their legal issues at home, they can apply to immigrate like anyone else. We suspect that Smith is using the gay angle as a ploy to get special treatment, knowing that Canada is very supportive of homos. Through her actions, however, she has demonstrated that she is not the calibre of immigrant that Canada wants and needs. Go home Bethany, you’re not welcome here (at least you’re not welcome by the Wicked Scholars. We wouldn’t presume to speak for anyone else).

Canadian Courts Love Their Terrorists!

When convicted Canadian terrorist Saad Khalid was sentenced to 14 years in prison this week for his involvement in a plot to bomb Canadian targets and murder innocent Canadians, the courts sent the message to other terrorists, “you are welcome here!”

Now, to some of you, 14 years might seem like a  long time, but under kooky Canadian laws, the time Khalid spent in jail during his trial counts for double time. In other words,  since he’s spent 3.5 years in jail, 7 years is automatically cut from his sentence, even though he’s been convicted of his crime.

So, 7 years have already been shaved from his 14 year sentence, which means the most he can now serve is 7 years. With Canada’s crazy probation rules, he could be out in 2 years. This is a man convicted of plotting a terrorist attack on his own country, don’t forget!

We asked Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, Professor Emeritus in Anthropology at Miskatonic University, why Canadians are such a bunch of retards. He had this to say. “Basically, Canadians are stupid, naive people. They’ve taken political correctness to the level of absurdity. They welcome all manner of perversion and deviant behaviour. Possessing child pornography is considered to be a misdemeanor. They think they actually own the Arctic. It really is a pathetic nation of losers. We should have let the Russians invade them during the 50’s and send them all to gulags. It would all be very funny if it wasn’t for the fact that Canada is a haven for terrorists who are probably plotting attacks against the US right now. Canadian police and intelligence agencies do their best, but Canadian courts circumvent everything they do, and treat terrorists like misguided youth. Problem with Canada is, they are silly innocents, who haven’t experienced the real terrorist attacks  countries like Britain, Spain, Italy, France, and the US have.  They’re in a dream world where that stuff doesn’t really happen.  The government is pretty much powerless to do anything about it because judges in Canada are appointed by the government, not elected, and it is virtually impossible to remove them. Eventually, one of these terrorist groups will launch a successfull attack and innocent people will be blown to bits on the streets of Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa, or Vancouver.”

Well, we can only hope that Homeland Security is watching the border with Canuckistan very carefully!   And you thought all the terrorists were in Afganistan and Iraq. On a positive note, Mr. Khalid will never be able to possess a Canadian passport. However, he will be able to visit the terrorist on the next street and buy a forged one.

What’s with the Annoying Names for Condos?

Upscale condo developments have become increasingly popular lately as empty nesters downsize, and young people who can’t afford to buy a house opt for a less expensive and low maintenance condo. The Wicked Scholars have noticed a very disturbing trend in condoville – the use of increasing pretentious and irritating names for the developments.

Thirty years ago, it was typical for apartment buildings to be given names that made them sound like an English royal palace – for example, Windsor Arms, The Buckingham, or Westchester.  It made the down and outs living there feel like they were in reality, the upper class. Today, the trend is to use irrelevant names that often sound like paint colours for condos, the modern day equivalent of apartments. For example, I recently saw a condo called “Portrait” under development. It’s easy to picture the amusing conversations that will ensue once the suites are occupied. “So, where do you live?” “Oh, I live in Portrait.” Could it possibly sound more gay?

We thought it would be hilarious to enter a contest to name a new condo development. We decided to do our research though, and find the most artsy fartsy sounding name for the most disgusting thing imaginable to see if we could actually get it attached to a condo development. We settled on Zafir, the Urdu word for the stuff that accumulates under a goat’s foreskin. It’s the goat equivalent of smegma.

We found a contest to name a very upscale condo development in the southeastern United States. About 8 weeks after we entered, we received a very nice letter from the marketing company responsible for naming the condo, informing us that our entry had been selected as the new name for the development. We toasted our success with fine port and a round of Cuban cigars, and then began to wonder how long it would take before someone educated in Anthropology or Linguistics would notice the hilarious meaning of the name. We can picture it now “by the way James, how to do like living in goat smegma?” Ha ha ha. In fact, we might make a trip down there ourselves just to get the ball rolling.

So, the moral of the story is this, if you are thinking about moving into a condo development, if you aren’t sure what the name actually means, you should do some research to avoid embarrassment later.

Is Wearing a Rolex Gay?

Yes, it is, and here’s why. Only pretentious gits who can afford to buy one, but don’t realize that there are many far more prestigious, but less recognizable watches, or middle class goofs who like to hang around in tapas bars and try to make people think they are wealthy and successful, wear one. A Rolex is far more expensive than it’s worth, and it’s not a particularly accurate timepiece. In fact, a $59 Timex probably keeps better time. We asked Dr. Laban Shrewsbury, Professor Emeritus at Miskatonic University why Rolex has become a  fixture in popular culture.

“It all started during the 1980’s. The 1970’s were a very dreary period. The economy was terrible, a lot of people were stuggling just to put food on the table. Then the 80’s came along – the decade of conspicuous consumption. People had money and they wanted to flaunt it. TV shows like Miami Vice introduced the world to Drug Dealer Chic, and no self respecting dealer could be seen without a gold Rolex.”

“The Rolex marketing department went into overdrive, and they began to track down any exciting, dangerous adventure that  may have involved a Rolex, no matter how tenuous the connection.  Rolexes have been issued to certain branches of the military, for example, some members  of  the Royal Navy wore Submariners, and the GMT Master was popular with military and commercial pilots for many years. Nowadays, however, there are far more advanced computer watches that can do much more, are more accurate, and much less expensive.   James Bond wore a Submariner in some of the earlier Bond movies, before the character switched to Omega. Back in the 60’s though, audiences probably didn’t think twice about Bond’s watch, until the 80’s came along and Rolex made sure that everyone knew he wore one, and therefore, it was uber cool.  During the 80’s and 90’s, Rolex also got heavily involved in sponsoring various sporting events popular with the well to do, for example, yacht racing, golf, auto racing, and tennis. It wasn’t long before everyone wanted to have a Rolex.”

“There are literally dozens of luxury watch brands out there that 99% of the North American watch buying public know absolutely nothing about. These are the watches that true afficionadoes of the watchmaker’s art gravitate to. The uneducated, and unenlightened, when they decide they want an expensive watch/status symbol, think instantly of Rolex, probably because they saw an ad, or a video for some hip hop group, and all of the homies were wearing one. Hip, wealthy Europeans of taste and sophistication have a plethora of fine time pieces to choose from that make Rolex look like a mound of feces. For them, it’s not about flaunting wealth, it’s about owning a beautiful timepiece that they can appreciate, even if no one else does.”

William Weatherton, Wicked Scholar Sergeant at Arms, owned a GMT Master for many years, until he got sick of setting it constantly and sold it. We asked him for his opinion Rolex watches. “I was sucked in by the hype and wanted a Rolex for a long time. I finally got a GMT Master. It was a nice watch, but it kept terrible time. The standards for a certified chronometer really aren’t that stringent. Anytime you needed to get the thing serviced, it costed a damn fortune. Eventually, everytime I checked the time, I started to ask myself “why am I wearing a $4000 wrist watch. It doesn’t keep time any better than my old Seiko, the bracelet is cheap, and there are thousands of better looking watches out there that are one tenth the price. One day, I finally sold it and haven’t regretted it.”

So, is it possible to wear a Rolex without looking pretentious and gay? According to Laban Shrewsbury, it is possible as long as “you are at least 65 years old. Only old people look good wearing a Rolex.”